dirty deeds done while wasted
Mar 7, 2021 20:53:57 GMT -5
Post by themirrorthief on Mar 7, 2021 20:53:57 GMT -5
Usually Secret Agent Unknown L remained incredibly cool. However lately he had become just a bit irritable. Someone was trying to kill him. A few days before a shot had been taken at him. Fortunately the bullet had glanced off his sunglasses which were made of a special plastic that was harder than steel. It had given him a terrific headache though. Even more annoying was the fact the shot had been most likely fired by a female agent that had been hired to off Unknown L.
Unknown L had gotten a name...Lilly. That was it. He sat in his hotel room pondering the situation and growing more perplexed by the minute. He seemed to be becoming someone unlike himself. He did not like puzzles, usually because they were to easy for him to solve. This was different, much different. He didn't like it. A knock came on his hotel door.
A message was dropped into his hand by a porter. It was an invitation to dinner, sighned Lilly. Somehow he was not surprised. Even women who wanted him dead occasionally enjoyed toying with him first. Take that as you will.
They met at Burger King, the place disgusted Unknown L but what the hell. Apparently Lilly enjoyed the food. He ordered a chocolate shake and waited. He had about given up when a tall redhead with an incredible figure and nice hooters walked up and sat down across from him.
"Hi Unknown L, I hope you are well?"
"Fit as a fiddle, I assume you are Lilly."
"Guilty as charged."
"Why did you take a shot at me, who is paying you...or maybe you were just desperate to meet me and attempted murder was your vehicle of choice."
Lilly laughed, she had a pretty laugh, almost like chimes ringing out in a happy chorus. "I aimed at your glasses, I knew the bullet couldn't penetrate them, I hope you didn't mind the jolt."
"Let me guess, you are batshit crazy then. What is it about me that draws the insane ones like flies to a steaming pile of fresh dog crap?"
Lilly smiled, she had perfect teeth. "So you are a poet too?"
I ordered some burgers. Lilly ate like a pig, I started to like her. There was something sexy about the way she sucked down her shake. And the way her tongue danced around those fries made me a little light headed. I felt a familiar tingling down in my nether regions. I didn't expect that because I hadn't taken my viagara or extenz in a couple of days. I had been saving my last dose for that Chinese cathouse I had spotted during my last mission. They gave discounts to well dressed white dudes. I am on the government payroll so I have to be thrifty. The word came down from the Trumpster himself, no less.
We finished our chow and left. We picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and I drove back to my motel room in my Ford. "Sorry about the smell," I apologized. "I have to spend a lot of time in here doing stakeouts and whatnot."
"I like it," she purred. "It reminds me of jail. I used to go there a lot to visit my dad."
I kept glancing at her boobs. They were really huge. She kept adjusting her bra. That thing was under a lot of stress I figured. I felt sorry for it and wanted to give it a break but getting it off. I wanted to get off too. I know that the worst thing a man can do is get busy with a enemy agent but what can I say? I hadn't been layed in a while either, prostitutes were expensive these days and after all I was a working joe.
We slammed down several drinks back at my hotel. She fired up some good weed too. Generally I don't do drugs but when one is on a case its better to play along with whatever. Besides, I enjoyed getting shitfaced with hot babes. Lilly and I swapped some spit.
Shortly I had her top off and began slobbering all over her mama mounds. It was pure heaven. A flagpole had sprung to life in my pants and I paused my lip service just long enough to fight with my zipper and belt. That was a mistake because suddenly something really heavy and hard crashed into my brain box and everything turned to midnight land.
I woke with the headache from hell and my room had been turned upside down. I massaged my throbbing cranial area while wondering what the hell had happened? What had she/they been looking for. I wasn't on a mission and had no files on me. Not even a laptop...nothing. My phone was missing but I there wasn't a damned thing on it anyone could use. Just some numbers to various cathouses and my mom's phone number.
I managed to get to my feet. Thank the lord there was still a good stiff drink left in the Jack Daniels bottle. I downed it straight and the burn felt real good. It clearned my head quite a bit and deadened some of the pain. I found my tylenol and downed about ten of them. I stumbled into the bathroom and splashed a lot of water on my face. While I was in there I also brushed my teeth. I didn't like the green glow they had taken on.
It was about then I noticed there was something in my tub. Actually it was someone...Lilly. She was very dead, her lovely blue eyes stared out at eternity. A wicked looking dagger was planted right between those great boobs. I should have felt bad about it but my head was throbbing to much. I went back into the bedroom and collapsed.
About twelve hours later I woke. I called the cops and they asked a shipload of questions. It was OK, I knew how to handle cops. Eventually they ID'd me and turned off the pressure. They also ID'd Lilly. Turned out she was wanted for murder. Her real name was Sue Glabonski. They hauled her away and I had to get another room in another Hotel. It sure had been a crappy day all around. I went to a bar and got good and wasted. I smoked the half burned joint I found in my pocket. Drunk and stoned I stumbled out into the street.
I couldn't remember where car was so I staggered over to a little park not far from the bar. It was getting pretty dark so I just sat there until I passed out. At some point, late in the night I woke and wondered where the hell I was and who the hell was the bum sleeping next to me on the park bench. I gathered myself and started walking. Everything was a bit fuzzy and I tried to remember what the hell I was doing.
A car pulled over and a truly beautiful blond told me to get in. She seemed to know me. "Please do as I say Unknown L, you are in danger here."
I shouldn't have trusted her but she was damned cute and had green eyes besides. I plopped down beside her in her sexy little sports car. She had a Sixpence None the Richer cd playing. I hummed along with Kiss Me. "Get comfortable," the girl said in a soothing voice. "We have a long ride ahead of us, there is way to much heat in this town for you or me. There is a bottle in the glove box."
I got the booze out. It was vodka. I downed a very long drink and fell asleep. When I came to it was dawn and we were cruising beside the ocean. She stopped at a beach house. She took my hand and led me inside. It was a nice place, obviously she was a democrat to be able to afford digs like this.
I took a long hot shower and tried to clear my head. I needed another drink but hopefully some boozed would be on the agenda soon. I shaved and found a nice kimona in my size. I found a pack of smokes, my brand in the pocket. I lit one up and savored the taste of tobacco and nicotine flowing into my lungs. I hoped the spot on my lungs wasn't getting larger.
I found the blond watching Jerry Springer in the living room. I thought it was a good sign that we had similar tastes in TV. She had a great smile and I caught her staring at my hairy chest through the open top of the kimono.
"You were in a lot of trouble back there. I think someone was going to kill you. You can thank me later for getting you out of there when I did. Try to just relax for a little while. A big assignment is in the works but you need some down time first."
I totally agreed. Impulsively Ieaned over and kissed her full on the lips. "This is how I like to relax." She melted into my arms and whispered into my ear. "You are the devil, but a damned sexy devil...you devil."
Later, after all my needs had been taken care off she ordered a pizza. It was good, came from Pizza Hut, light on the sauce. We watched tv and made love again. Later we got drunk and danced some to Men At Work. It was a crazy evening. I was starting to like my job.
Then there was a crash, someone kicked down the door and suddenly the entire place was filled with masked men. The girl yanked out a gun and shot two of them before she was cut down by machine gun fire. I never even learned her name. I cowered behind the sofa until they smacked me around some and bound my hands behind my back. I was hustled out to a van and off we sped. I felt like crying and probably would have if it would have done any gone.
They left me tied up in the back off the van but that was their mistake. I worked myself free in a couple of minutes. In my teen years I had ran away and joined the circus. I learned a lot of neat tricks back in those years. Slipping out of ropes and handcuffs had been one of the first. They had beat me with a metal rod. Then the idiots had left it there in the back of the van. Bad mistake.
After a couple of hours the van came to a halt. Best I could tell there were only a couple of dudes along for the ride. When they opened the back of the van I planted the metal rod squarly in the face of thug number one. The sickening crunch of skull matter sounded like music to me. Before thug number two could get the pistol out of its holster I had whacked him solidly across the gonads. He collapsed in a heap and began begging me not to hurt him any more. I picked up his pistol and pointed it at his temple. "Now tell me what the hell is this all about, who sent you?"
"All we have is a phone number. We were supposed to wait her at this house for 24 hours then make a call. That's all I know. The guy you killed had most of the dope. I was just muscle." I could tell by the frightened look in his eyes that he was most likely telling me the truth. "Do you have the keys to the house and the number?" I asked. It was a white frame place, surrounded by a neatly mowed lawn.
"In my pocket he groaned," his face white as a sheet from the blow to the nether region. And that is saying something because he was a black man.
I fished aroun in his pocket and found the key and a lip of paper with a number on it. Then I shot him in the head. I hustled both bodies into the van and locked it up. I could dispose of them later. Right now I needed a drink. I unlocked the front door. It was a nice place. I found the fridge was full of budweiser. It would have to do. I downed a couple and turned on the tv. Gunsmoke was on, that was cool. I liked the big gun Marshal Dillon carried. I wish I had one like that. I found some frozen tv dinners and decided to just chill for the evening. Tomorrow I would find a bottle and get drunk. Then hopefully I could see things clearly enough to figure out what the hell was going on. Actually the last couple of days were kind of typical if your name is Secret Agent Unknown L. Stay with me cause tomorrow is just around the corner. At least I hope it is for me.
Its not easy being me, secret agent Unknown L. Besides the weird name, I am forbidden to use the real one. I have lots of other issues. I meet lots of beautiful girls. Most of them want to have sex with me and then kill me. The bad guys know women are my weak point and they send girl agents out to erase me permanantly. Somehow I have survived, maybe its luck but who can say. I get drunk and stoned a lot and that throws them off, the bad guys are used to fuckng around with straight laced good guys...not me.
I sat in this seedy bar getting slamed on Jack Daniels. That stuff is poison to most but I can drink it like Kool aid. I staggered out to my can and slid behind the wheel. I fired up the engine and put in my Kiss cd. I was really starting to rock to strutter when this truly hot babe put a gun to my ear...apparently she had been hiding in the back seat. "Drive to the park sweetheart"
Her voice was hypnotic, really sultry and husky...like she was hot. Of course she was hot because I am a manly man...my little code to life is "fuck reality"
Well, when we got to the park, she picked a lonely spot to stop. She slid into the passenger side seat so smoothly I was astonished. She put the gun to my head again and whispered..."do you want to live mr L."
"Yeah," tho I dont know why exactly..."I have a pretty lame life."
She smiled, "do you want to know why I kidnapped you?"
"I am a little curious, I figured you are gonna kill me."
"Totally correct," she replied...however. "I got to admit I am intriqued by your reputation as a real awesome ladies man."
"So we are gonna get horizontal before you kill me?"
"For a government employee you are almost intelligent"
Then she pulled off her top and I must say her boobs were glorious. She pulled my face forward until I was virtually suffocated inside her clevage. It was heavenly to put it mildly.
I had a raging erection and my heart was hammering so hard I thought I might have a heart attack. That would have been like getting turned away at the gate to paradise. We did the slam dance for a long time until she had enough. Truth was I couldnt got any longer, I smoke a lot you see. Then we collapsed into a heap there in my front seat.
At this point I was reasonably sure she wouldn't try to kill me. "Hey dude, wanna spend the weekend at my beach house with me. My bar is fully equipped. Being an assassin pays great and the perks are amazing."
"Let's do," I replied as I snuck another viagara into my mouth.
Unknown L had gotten a name...Lilly. That was it. He sat in his hotel room pondering the situation and growing more perplexed by the minute. He seemed to be becoming someone unlike himself. He did not like puzzles, usually because they were to easy for him to solve. This was different, much different. He didn't like it. A knock came on his hotel door.
A message was dropped into his hand by a porter. It was an invitation to dinner, sighned Lilly. Somehow he was not surprised. Even women who wanted him dead occasionally enjoyed toying with him first. Take that as you will.
They met at Burger King, the place disgusted Unknown L but what the hell. Apparently Lilly enjoyed the food. He ordered a chocolate shake and waited. He had about given up when a tall redhead with an incredible figure and nice hooters walked up and sat down across from him.
"Hi Unknown L, I hope you are well?"
"Fit as a fiddle, I assume you are Lilly."
"Guilty as charged."
"Why did you take a shot at me, who is paying you...or maybe you were just desperate to meet me and attempted murder was your vehicle of choice."
Lilly laughed, she had a pretty laugh, almost like chimes ringing out in a happy chorus. "I aimed at your glasses, I knew the bullet couldn't penetrate them, I hope you didn't mind the jolt."
"Let me guess, you are batshit crazy then. What is it about me that draws the insane ones like flies to a steaming pile of fresh dog crap?"
Lilly smiled, she had perfect teeth. "So you are a poet too?"
I ordered some burgers. Lilly ate like a pig, I started to like her. There was something sexy about the way she sucked down her shake. And the way her tongue danced around those fries made me a little light headed. I felt a familiar tingling down in my nether regions. I didn't expect that because I hadn't taken my viagara or extenz in a couple of days. I had been saving my last dose for that Chinese cathouse I had spotted during my last mission. They gave discounts to well dressed white dudes. I am on the government payroll so I have to be thrifty. The word came down from the Trumpster himself, no less.
We finished our chow and left. We picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and I drove back to my motel room in my Ford. "Sorry about the smell," I apologized. "I have to spend a lot of time in here doing stakeouts and whatnot."
"I like it," she purred. "It reminds me of jail. I used to go there a lot to visit my dad."
I kept glancing at her boobs. They were really huge. She kept adjusting her bra. That thing was under a lot of stress I figured. I felt sorry for it and wanted to give it a break but getting it off. I wanted to get off too. I know that the worst thing a man can do is get busy with a enemy agent but what can I say? I hadn't been layed in a while either, prostitutes were expensive these days and after all I was a working joe.
We slammed down several drinks back at my hotel. She fired up some good weed too. Generally I don't do drugs but when one is on a case its better to play along with whatever. Besides, I enjoyed getting shitfaced with hot babes. Lilly and I swapped some spit.
Shortly I had her top off and began slobbering all over her mama mounds. It was pure heaven. A flagpole had sprung to life in my pants and I paused my lip service just long enough to fight with my zipper and belt. That was a mistake because suddenly something really heavy and hard crashed into my brain box and everything turned to midnight land.
I woke with the headache from hell and my room had been turned upside down. I massaged my throbbing cranial area while wondering what the hell had happened? What had she/they been looking for. I wasn't on a mission and had no files on me. Not even a laptop...nothing. My phone was missing but I there wasn't a damned thing on it anyone could use. Just some numbers to various cathouses and my mom's phone number.
I managed to get to my feet. Thank the lord there was still a good stiff drink left in the Jack Daniels bottle. I downed it straight and the burn felt real good. It clearned my head quite a bit and deadened some of the pain. I found my tylenol and downed about ten of them. I stumbled into the bathroom and splashed a lot of water on my face. While I was in there I also brushed my teeth. I didn't like the green glow they had taken on.
It was about then I noticed there was something in my tub. Actually it was someone...Lilly. She was very dead, her lovely blue eyes stared out at eternity. A wicked looking dagger was planted right between those great boobs. I should have felt bad about it but my head was throbbing to much. I went back into the bedroom and collapsed.
About twelve hours later I woke. I called the cops and they asked a shipload of questions. It was OK, I knew how to handle cops. Eventually they ID'd me and turned off the pressure. They also ID'd Lilly. Turned out she was wanted for murder. Her real name was Sue Glabonski. They hauled her away and I had to get another room in another Hotel. It sure had been a crappy day all around. I went to a bar and got good and wasted. I smoked the half burned joint I found in my pocket. Drunk and stoned I stumbled out into the street.
I couldn't remember where car was so I staggered over to a little park not far from the bar. It was getting pretty dark so I just sat there until I passed out. At some point, late in the night I woke and wondered where the hell I was and who the hell was the bum sleeping next to me on the park bench. I gathered myself and started walking. Everything was a bit fuzzy and I tried to remember what the hell I was doing.
A car pulled over and a truly beautiful blond told me to get in. She seemed to know me. "Please do as I say Unknown L, you are in danger here."
I shouldn't have trusted her but she was damned cute and had green eyes besides. I plopped down beside her in her sexy little sports car. She had a Sixpence None the Richer cd playing. I hummed along with Kiss Me. "Get comfortable," the girl said in a soothing voice. "We have a long ride ahead of us, there is way to much heat in this town for you or me. There is a bottle in the glove box."
I got the booze out. It was vodka. I downed a very long drink and fell asleep. When I came to it was dawn and we were cruising beside the ocean. She stopped at a beach house. She took my hand and led me inside. It was a nice place, obviously she was a democrat to be able to afford digs like this.
I took a long hot shower and tried to clear my head. I needed another drink but hopefully some boozed would be on the agenda soon. I shaved and found a nice kimona in my size. I found a pack of smokes, my brand in the pocket. I lit one up and savored the taste of tobacco and nicotine flowing into my lungs. I hoped the spot on my lungs wasn't getting larger.
I found the blond watching Jerry Springer in the living room. I thought it was a good sign that we had similar tastes in TV. She had a great smile and I caught her staring at my hairy chest through the open top of the kimono.
"You were in a lot of trouble back there. I think someone was going to kill you. You can thank me later for getting you out of there when I did. Try to just relax for a little while. A big assignment is in the works but you need some down time first."
I totally agreed. Impulsively Ieaned over and kissed her full on the lips. "This is how I like to relax." She melted into my arms and whispered into my ear. "You are the devil, but a damned sexy devil...you devil."
Later, after all my needs had been taken care off she ordered a pizza. It was good, came from Pizza Hut, light on the sauce. We watched tv and made love again. Later we got drunk and danced some to Men At Work. It was a crazy evening. I was starting to like my job.
Then there was a crash, someone kicked down the door and suddenly the entire place was filled with masked men. The girl yanked out a gun and shot two of them before she was cut down by machine gun fire. I never even learned her name. I cowered behind the sofa until they smacked me around some and bound my hands behind my back. I was hustled out to a van and off we sped. I felt like crying and probably would have if it would have done any gone.
They left me tied up in the back off the van but that was their mistake. I worked myself free in a couple of minutes. In my teen years I had ran away and joined the circus. I learned a lot of neat tricks back in those years. Slipping out of ropes and handcuffs had been one of the first. They had beat me with a metal rod. Then the idiots had left it there in the back of the van. Bad mistake.
After a couple of hours the van came to a halt. Best I could tell there were only a couple of dudes along for the ride. When they opened the back of the van I planted the metal rod squarly in the face of thug number one. The sickening crunch of skull matter sounded like music to me. Before thug number two could get the pistol out of its holster I had whacked him solidly across the gonads. He collapsed in a heap and began begging me not to hurt him any more. I picked up his pistol and pointed it at his temple. "Now tell me what the hell is this all about, who sent you?"
"All we have is a phone number. We were supposed to wait her at this house for 24 hours then make a call. That's all I know. The guy you killed had most of the dope. I was just muscle." I could tell by the frightened look in his eyes that he was most likely telling me the truth. "Do you have the keys to the house and the number?" I asked. It was a white frame place, surrounded by a neatly mowed lawn.
"In my pocket he groaned," his face white as a sheet from the blow to the nether region. And that is saying something because he was a black man.
I fished aroun in his pocket and found the key and a lip of paper with a number on it. Then I shot him in the head. I hustled both bodies into the van and locked it up. I could dispose of them later. Right now I needed a drink. I unlocked the front door. It was a nice place. I found the fridge was full of budweiser. It would have to do. I downed a couple and turned on the tv. Gunsmoke was on, that was cool. I liked the big gun Marshal Dillon carried. I wish I had one like that. I found some frozen tv dinners and decided to just chill for the evening. Tomorrow I would find a bottle and get drunk. Then hopefully I could see things clearly enough to figure out what the hell was going on. Actually the last couple of days were kind of typical if your name is Secret Agent Unknown L. Stay with me cause tomorrow is just around the corner. At least I hope it is for me.
Its not easy being me, secret agent Unknown L. Besides the weird name, I am forbidden to use the real one. I have lots of other issues. I meet lots of beautiful girls. Most of them want to have sex with me and then kill me. The bad guys know women are my weak point and they send girl agents out to erase me permanantly. Somehow I have survived, maybe its luck but who can say. I get drunk and stoned a lot and that throws them off, the bad guys are used to fuckng around with straight laced good guys...not me.
I sat in this seedy bar getting slamed on Jack Daniels. That stuff is poison to most but I can drink it like Kool aid. I staggered out to my can and slid behind the wheel. I fired up the engine and put in my Kiss cd. I was really starting to rock to strutter when this truly hot babe put a gun to my ear...apparently she had been hiding in the back seat. "Drive to the park sweetheart"
Her voice was hypnotic, really sultry and husky...like she was hot. Of course she was hot because I am a manly man...my little code to life is "fuck reality"
Well, when we got to the park, she picked a lonely spot to stop. She slid into the passenger side seat so smoothly I was astonished. She put the gun to my head again and whispered..."do you want to live mr L."
"Yeah," tho I dont know why exactly..."I have a pretty lame life."
She smiled, "do you want to know why I kidnapped you?"
"I am a little curious, I figured you are gonna kill me."
"Totally correct," she replied...however. "I got to admit I am intriqued by your reputation as a real awesome ladies man."
"So we are gonna get horizontal before you kill me?"
"For a government employee you are almost intelligent"
Then she pulled off her top and I must say her boobs were glorious. She pulled my face forward until I was virtually suffocated inside her clevage. It was heavenly to put it mildly.
I had a raging erection and my heart was hammering so hard I thought I might have a heart attack. That would have been like getting turned away at the gate to paradise. We did the slam dance for a long time until she had enough. Truth was I couldnt got any longer, I smoke a lot you see. Then we collapsed into a heap there in my front seat.
At this point I was reasonably sure she wouldn't try to kill me. "Hey dude, wanna spend the weekend at my beach house with me. My bar is fully equipped. Being an assassin pays great and the perks are amazing."
"Let's do," I replied as I snuck another viagara into my mouth.
